Post-sepsis Syndrome from a Survivor

This blog post was made by Amy Staples on September 27, 2018.
Post-sepsis Syndrome from a Survivor

So, you’ve survived SEPSIS! Congratulations!! No, seriously. CONGRATULATIONS! You are one of the few who has left the hospital as a living person. This is a good thing. Now what?

Well if you thought “sepsis” was gloomy and spoken of only in hushed tones; wait until you read about “post sepsis syndrome”. This will knock your socks off.

According to the Sepsis Alliance here are a few basics on post sepsis syndrome;

Post-sepsis syndrome is a condition that affects up to 50% of sepsis survivors. They are left with physical and/or psychological long-term effects, such as:

  • Insomnia, difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep

  • Nightmares, vivid hallucinations and panic attacks

  • Disabling muscle and joint pains

  • Extreme fatigue

  • Poor concentration

  • Decreased mental (cognitive) functioning

  • Loss of self-esteem and self-belief

Here’s the rest of my story.

As I was wheeled out of the hospital’s front doors I was immediately overwhelmed by the outside world. I know it may not seem understandable, but as I looked around and saw everyone going about their lives and felt the warm spring wind and sunlight on my face, I felt very “small and insignificant”. Everything I’d been through, all the complications, surgeries, fevers, pain and suffering seemed so pointless, and I began to cry. The attendant and my husband were frightened by my crying. They asked questions trying to understand. I couldn’t explain. I mumbled and spoke in words that were more confusing than my tears. It was surreal. I couldn’t understand myself, so how was I to explain it to others? I waved them off in a reassuring manner.

On the 110-mile drive home, I seemed to settle into “this is my new normal” and questioned each movement, thought and more. By the time I walked through the door, my complicated and confused thinking and feeling was overwhelming. I was frightened in my own home. At one point, I came close to turning around and wanting to return to the hospital. In a sense, the hospital felt safer than home. Spring was in full bloom. I could hear our cow in the fields. It was my home. It was normal, I was the problem. It was me.

I could only walk about 6 feet with the help of my walker. I needed help getting out of bed, out of a chair. I settled into a newer routine of physical therapy three times per week. The PT was reassuring that my strength would improve. IV antibiotics were given at the end of my dialysis treatments at home. There were practice walks through the house to try and increase my strength; a chair to sit on for showering as I couldn’t stand that long on my own. My hair began to fall out; by the hands full daily. My pillowcase was covered in it when I awoke and the drain in the shower was clogged with my hair when I’d finished washing up. That was daunting for me.

Then came the night sweats, the nightmares (being eaten by giant cockroaches in ER or ICU) and waking in the darkness of night. It would always take me about a minute to recognize or realize where I was. I would reach across the bed to feel my husband and was always reassured when he would pull my arm close and tuck it under his arm. This was the comfort and assurance I needed. Often, I would awake thinking I was still in hospital. The near constant whining in my mind of how very weary I felt and how deeply my muscles, joints and bones hurt added to my mental fog. I couldn’t read books like I used to. I couldn’t seem to focus so I tried only short bursts of ten minutes here or there and increased when I could and stopped when I could go no further.

To my family I had seemingly endless questions of, “then what happened?” I felt like a failure and more. Although I had returned home, I was in worse condition than before, a broken person with a broken body as if I’d been a doll and shaken so hard I was a limply, sad shell of what used to be. I felt hungry—yet little appealed to me. There was still some nausea and vomiting even weeks later. I seemed to live on English muffins with butter and a side of cheese. It was mild and seemed to stay down. I’d lost weight, but not so much fat as muscle. I worked hard to walk our hall multiple times daily to regain what I could, and went back to work once to say hi to my co-workers and friends. I could see the shock in their faces of how badly I looked, and didn’t return again for months.. I saw it in my own face every time I looked in the mirror.

I grasped for certain words and if I wrote anything I always seemed to displace every few words or so. It was frustrating: it felt I couldn’t even think in the proper context of a thought. The routines continued, dialysis, walking, thinking and speaking with the right thoughts in the right place. I quit cooking nearly altogether. To this day, one leg is always weaker than the other and my balance is way off. Depending upon my pain on any given day, its likely I won’t walk further than 20-30 feet on my own. Since my first stay with sepsis I now have chronic low blood pressure and I mean low—often 60/30. No explanation, it’s just part of my daily life. I’ve tried the meds to no avail. My husband has taken over many of the chores of daily living, which often makes me feel a failure. Now, due to other issues, I hunch over unable to stand or sit straight for longer than a few minutes. I manage the budget, pay the bills, make the calls, appointments and volunteer wherever and whenever I can; it helps me stay sane. It helps me feel accepted, valued, needed. Isn’t that what we all want?

Finally, the worst is the constant, quiet, ever present state of fear. Every time I need dialysis done in a hospital or clinic I think “is this the day I get sepsis”? I wait for the fevers, the chills the vomiting. I count the hours and days until I’m sure it passed. I have panic attacks and often cancel appointments, fearful that if I touch this or that, shake someone’s hand it will quietly make its way inside. The untrusting part of me glares out to monitor those part of my healthcare team, ME wanting to safeguard ME. If I start to feel punky I worry “is this it, do I have sepsis again? Will I die this time”?

Eventually some of my strength returned, so I graduated to a cane. Lost memories, night sweats, insomnia, loss of self-esteem, lack of confidence, pain and poor concentration are now to be my life-long friends. You see, once you’ve had sepsis you’re at a higher risk of acquiring it again. I did. I have. Three years later found me in the hospital with sepsis, pneumonia and c-diff. Two years after that I ended up with sepsis twice, my fifth time two years after and again in two years my sixth episode with my most recent episode just nine months later. In all seven episodes of sepsis each requiring weeks in the hospital, with procedures, high fevers, weakness and worse. So, when someone looks at me and says, “you just don’t look like you’re doing well”, I just smile and think to myself “actually I’m doing pretty darn good, considering.”

I still suffer most if not all post sepsis syndrome (PSS) symptoms, some days more than others but they’re there waiting to let me know “Hey, you’re going to be okay, but in the meantime…On the inside, I remind myself that this body of mine has served me well. I’ve overcome horrendous odds and survived. So, you see I don’t call myself a survivor; I am an “overcomer”.

The Sepsis Alliance also states that:

The risk of having PSS is higher among people who were admitted to an intensive care unit (ICU) and for those who have been in the hospital for extended periods of time. PSS can affect people of any age, but a study from the University of Michigan Health System, published in 2010 the medical journal JAMA, found that older severe sepsis survivors were at higher risk for long-term cognitive impairment and physical problems than others their age who were treated for other illnesses. Their problems ranged from not being able to walk—even though they could before they became ill—to not being able to do everyday activities, such as bathing, toileting, or preparing meals. Changes in mental status can range from no longer being able to perform complicated tasks to not being able to remember everyday things.

The authors wrote, “60 percent of hospitalizations for severe sepsis were associated with worsened cognitive and physical function among surviving older adults. The odds of acquiring moderate to severe cognitive impairment were 3.3 times higher following an episode of sepsis than for other hospitalizations.”

What causes PSS?

For some patients, the cause of PSS is obvious: blood clots and poor blood circulation while they were ill may have caused gangrene and the need for amputations of fingers, toes, or even limbs. Damage to the lungs can affect breathing. For example, in another University of Michigan Health System study, published in 2012 in the journal Shock, researchers found that sepsis survivors may be more vulnerable to developing viral respiratory (lung) infections.

Other organs may be damaged as well, such as the kidneys or liver.

These lasting physical issues can be explained, but there is more to PSS that cannot yet be explained, such as the disabling fatigue and chronic pain that many survivors experience. Others complain of seemingly unrelated problems, like hair loss that may occur weeks after their discharge from the hospital.

Many sepsis survivors also report symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Researchers have already recognized that ICU stays can trigger PTSD, which can last for years.

https://d2p9nwuani32ep.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/iStock-596369810-300x200.jpg

According to a 2013 Johns Hopkins study that looked at PTSD after ICU stays, people with a history of depression were twice as likely to develop PTSD after being in an ICU. The researchers also found that patients who had sepsis were more likely to develop PTSD. They wrote about the possible sepsis/PTSD connection: “The delirium often associated with ICU stays and post-ICU PTSD may be partially a consequence of inflammation caused by sepsis. This inflammation may lead to a breakdown in the blood-brain barrier, which alters the impact on the brain of narcotics, sedatives and other drugs prescribed in the ICU.

It is important to note that PSS does not happen only in older patients or in those who were already ill. An editorial published in JAMA in October 2010, addressed PSS. In “The Lingering Consequences of Sepsis,” the author wrote, “The new deficits were relatively more severe among patients who were in better health beforehand, possibly because there was less room for further deterioration among patients who already had poor physical or cognitive function prior to the sepsis episode.”

In other words, healthy people may be expected to rebound quickly from such a serious illness, but healthier people may actually have the opposite experience.

What can be done about PSS?

Post-sepsis syndrome must be recognized by the doctors and other healthcare professionals who care for sepsis survivors, so patients can be directed to the proper resources. Resources may include:

  • Referrals for emotional and psychological support (counseling, cognitive behavioral therapy or neuropsychiatric assessment).

  • Physical support, such as physical therapy or neurorehabilitation.

What is post-ICU syndrome and is it the same thing as PSS?

Post-ICU syndrome (PICS) is a recognized problem that can affect patients who have spent time in an intensive care unit or ICU, particularly if they have been sedated or placed on a ventilator. It is not unusual for someone in an ICU to become delirious – sometimes called ICU delirium. The longer a patient is in such a unit, the higher the risk of developing delirium or PICS. A study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that some of these patients continued to have cognitive (mental) problems a year after discharge.

Here is what the CDC has to say about post-sepsis syndrome:

https://www.cdc.gov/sepsis/pdfs/life-after-sepsis-fact-sheet.pdf

Do all you can to stay sepsis-free. If you do get sepsis and have post sepsis syndrome, keep yourself, friends and family aware and educated about the risks and how to get help once it’s past. Ask for help: you deserve it. Be a survivor. Be a champion. Be a warrior. Be an overcomer. Be whatever you want—just keep living.

Comments

  • Julie Davis

    Dec 16, 2023 8:00 PM

    Hi! I am a septic shock survivor at 43 years old. After a routine surgery over the summer, I ended up with 105 degree, fever, kidney failure, and by the time we got to the hospital and almost nonexistent blood pressure. They did an immediate blood transfusion and surgery to remove what they could of the infection. Five surgeries later, I am lucky to have all of my limbs! I spent two weeks in the ICU/PICU. Typically these units are not combined, but the hospital I was at they were. Since being home in August, I can tell you the joint and muscle pain is at times unbearable. Oh, and let me complicate this a little more, I have systemic lupus. The psychological hasn’t so much been an issue, but the physical is debilitating a lot of days. Please, everyone know you are not alone! We made it we survived! That’s huge. God chose us for a purpose!!
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  • Heather Nicole

    Dec 30, 2020 12:47 AM

    Hi, I had Septic Shock when I was 4 (So 1996) I was limp, couldn't move, low bp, low bs, you name it. I had it. My mom waited until the last minute to take me to the hospital. Keep in mind this Hospital wasn't the best. They did a spinal tap on me before even getting the blood work back. I was in a plastic crib tent for 2-3 weeks. They treated me like I had the plauge. I have worked in a teach hospital since then that is huge and know they took measures that were unnecessary. The same hospital I was at also was neglagent in keeping correct CNA and RN notes (this is the same hospital that ran a dye through my grandfathers system too close together (less than 24 hours) that cause multiple organ failure resulting in his death not 2 years after my sepsis hospitalization.... in years that followed I stayed a bright happy kid. But was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD at 10. I stared having issues with short term memory. The older I got the worse my concentration, forgetfulness got, then when I was 24 I was diagnosed with Depression & mild anxiety.... I have issues with my kidneys processing the amino acid cystine. I have digestive issues I'd rather not share here. The attention span, short term memory motivational issues and depression (sometimes anxiety) have only gotten worse over the years. I've been on and medications for ADD and Depression. I'd like to know more about PSS and the long term effects. I've searched for answers as to why I am the only person in my family who has any issues like this.... and this has made the most sense to me. I'd love feedback and advice if anyone is willing to reach out. Thank you!
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  • Steve Crooke

    May 31, 2020 11:52 AM

    Can't find help in England. So far every health professional has let me down. Empty promises. Trying to walk, but not succeeding. Can't remember what it was like to walk. I have a walker, but only just make it back to the cottage each time. Keep kicking the frame of the walker. Can walk even less with a walking stick. Severe depression has set in. Again no help. No one wants to know. After my marriage collapse and losing everything I am alone with my 93 year old mother and my mental and physical health continues to deteriorate. Any ideas ? Suicide is in my mind each and every day. It would bring the nightmare to an end. Please help me
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    • john waddington

      Nov 19, 2020 8:40 PM

      Hi Steve
      Forget about suicide because that is the easy way out
      Take a step by step and keep deep breathing
      I have had sepsis 3 times and recovered
      I have also had cancer and other serious problems including minor strokes
      You will make it I am sure
      Regards John
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  • Angie W

    Feb 18, 2020 1:34 PM

    My 19 year-old daughter is two years post-urosepsis/septic shock. She has all of the psychological symptoms to PSS. We desperately need to find an educated doctor to help her. A psychiatrist wants to Dx her with multiple major, life-altering mental illnesses and start her on the strong, brain-changing drugs that go along with those Dx. If anyone can recommend a doctor, I don’t care what state, please reply. Thank you.
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    • Dori Schatell

      Feb 24, 2020 10:44 PM

      Angie, I am so sorry. I just did a quick PubMed search, and four of the authors of this 2019 study are from Manhasset, New York. Perhaps one of them could help?

      Mol Med. 2019 Dec 31;26(1):6. doi: 10.1186/s10020-019-0132-z.
      Post-sepsis syndrome - an evolving entity that afflicts survivors of sepsis.
      Mostel Z1,2, Perl A3,4, Marck M3, Mehdi SF3, Lowell B3, Bathija S3, Santosh R3, Pavlov VA5,6, Chavan SS5,6, Roth J3,5,6.
      Author information
      1 Laboratory of Diabetes and Diabetes-Related Research, Feinstein Institute for Medical Research, Northwell Health, Manhasset, NY, USA. zacharym@mail.tau.ac.il.
      2 Sackler School of Medicine, Tel Aviv University, Tel Aviv, Israel. zacharym@mail.tau.ac.il.
      3 Laboratory of Diabetes and Diabetes-Related Research, Feinstein Institute for Medical Research, Northwell Health, Manhasset, NY, USA.
      4 Sackler School of Medicine, Tel Aviv University, Tel Aviv, Israel.
      5 Center for Bioelectronic Medicine and Biomedical Science, Feinstein Institute for Medical Research, Northwell Health, Manhasset, NY, USA.
      6 Donald and Barbara Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell, Manhasset, NY, USA.

      Abstract
      BACKGROUND:
      The sequelae of sepsis were once thought to be independent of sepsis itself and assumed to be either comorbid to sick patients or complications of critical illness. Recent studies have reported consistent patterns of functional disabilities in sepsis survivors that can last from months to years after symptoms of active sepsis had resolved. BODY: Post-sepsis syndrome is an emerging pathological entity that has garnered significant interest amongst clinicians and researchers over the last two decades. It is marked by a significantly increased risk of death and a poor health-related quality of life associated with a constellation of long-term effects that persist following the patient's bout with sepsis. These include neurocognitive impairment, functional disability, psychological deficits, and worsening medical conditions.

      CONCLUSION:
      This "post-sepsis syndrome" has been the subject of active preclinical and clinical research providing new mechanistic insights and approaches linked to survivor well-being. Here we review important aspects of these research efforts and goals of care for patients who survive sepsis.
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  • Annie Davis

    Oct 03, 2019 10:19 AM

    Just heard about post-sepsis syndrome and my husband, who had sepsis three years ago, has more or less every symptom described. I would be grateful if any of you have advice about therapy and/or medication? Would homeopathy do any good, you think?
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    • Tammy

      Dec 18, 2019 10:07 AM

      I would love to hear some of the same information. I have these symptoms and my sepsis scare was just in October 2019.
      Thanks!!!
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  • Nancy clements

    Sep 08, 2019 12:35 PM

    How do doctors not know about this? I had severe sepsis in April 2015 following a perforated duodenal ulcer that went untreated for 24 hours. Ever since my release from hospital I have been really unwell. I have constant terrible pain in my legs and all over my body that keeps getting worse, I am awake all night and even when I do sleep I feel exhausted! I am constantly sweaty and hot but no reason can be found. I have been to one specialist after another and still do not have a diagnosis 4 years later. Thanks so much for sharing at least I know I’m not going mad now xx
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  • Nancy clements

    Sep 08, 2019 12:35 PM

    How do doctors not know about this? I had severe sepsis in April 2015 following a perforated duodenal ulcer that went untreated for 24 hours. Ever since my release from hospital I have been really unwell. I have constant terrible pain in my legs and all over my body that keeps getting worse, I am awake all night and even when I do sleep I feel exhausted! I am constantly sweaty and hot but no reason can be found. I have been to one specialist after another and still do not have a diagnosis 4 years later. Thanks so much for sharing at least I know I’m not going mad now xx
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  • Sally Murray

    Sep 04, 2019 2:06 PM

    In Spring of 2019 I started to feel ill low grade fever chills and a little pain in my right kidney. In June I was rushed to hospital with a blocked UPJ junction of the right kidney. The urine was backing into my blood stream and put me into ICU with 2 surgeries in one day they opened the kidney with a nephrostomy. Sepsis had set in and I was in and out of it. My temperature went very high but was finally brought under control. Three weeks later another major kidney surgery.
    Now I have post sepsis syndrome!!!
    I’m terrified of having it happen again. I have symptoms like
    Nightmares every night, my hair is falling out, I can’t concentrate, plus many more.
    Started therapy a few weeks ago and hope it will help.
    Belonging to a group where people understand is really helpful because you know you are not alone!
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    • Pepai

      Feb 22, 2020 1:31 AM

      I had sepsis in April, 2019, in hospital for 11 days. My hair fell out in handfuls, it’s common, because the hairs in growth are damaged. It should stop after 4-6 weeks. It took me about 4-1/2 months to feel strength again. I hope you feel better soon.
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  • Jo Ann Mccormick

    Aug 15, 2019 5:01 AM

    In September 2017 I was hemorrhaging and was admitted to the hospital. By January 2018, I had spent over 8 weeks in the hospital, 1.5 months HomeHealth Care and finally a drainage tube in my gut that was removed 7 weeks later. 2018 is a blur! I have a few memories for that year. Late December 2018 I contracted a urinary tract infection that advanced quickly to septic shock. I was admitted to the hospital, informed them about my hx, diagnosed with septic shock and the doc couldn’t figure out why my blood pressure was so low. It seems most doctors are not familiar with post sepsis. I’m alone with the memories of laying on the floor in pain, the helplessness and fear. I can’t seem to keep up with much of anything. I have good days and bad days. The bad days are so disruptive I struggle to be on time getting to places, and paying bills, maintaining friendships, earning a living...Volunteering and helping others has always made me feel better however I reach out and then disappear again. I can’t seem to return phone calls I receive from others so over time I end up alone and isolated. Rest is soothing but there is a dread when night approaches. I’m not sure what to expect. Will I have nightmares, lay awake after sleeping a couple hours or take my prescription and hope it doesn’t contribute to the brain fog. Like most people I must function for practical purposes. This is a self absorbed moment. I thank you for sharing your experience (s). It has helped me put mine in perspective and I have a lot to be thankful for. I have heartfelt gratitude and compassion for those who shared.
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    • Michelle Armstrong

      Nov 21, 2019 5:15 PM

      Jo Ann, I could have wrote this post that you wrote about your experience. I'm truly going through the exact same things! I've had sepsis twice in less than a year. Thinking of you.
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  • Peter

    Jul 29, 2019 6:44 PM

    I was volunteering in Snowmass, teaching disabled Vets adaptive ski. On 4/1/19 my roommate found me in the living room throwing up blood. EMS comes, taken to Aspen Valley Hosp. Fixed wing medical flight to Denver, Flight for Life to U of C Hosp. Six days in medical coma, 40 days in hospital, septic shock (pneumonia in one lung, PE in the other, DVT). Leak in femoral line causes heparin to enter leg, creating a hematoma that engulfed my psoas muscle and femoral nerve bundle. Right leg partially paralyzed. Acute OT/PT in hospital, get home, short term memory is shot. Wake up in the middle of the night so scared that it's happening again. Was out of network so my patient portion of bill is right around $840,000.00. Got a loving dog to help with comfort when I wake up at night - just doing it a day at a time. Had no knowledge of Sepsis or Septic Shock before this incident. I do now. Regardless, the Docs and medical teams at University of Colorado saved my life, will be forever grateful.
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  • Judy More

    Jul 20, 2019 3:09 AM

    I was in and out of ER and hospital from March-Aug 2016 with a hernia that they would not fix because of my"weight".My hubby rushed to the ER end of Aug and they rushed me to surgery to find 3 feet of dead bowel and sepsis.I was in respitory failure also.I only rembember one thing from the icu.I was sent home 10 days later.That was it. No idea what sepsis was except a bad infection. I had a wound vac on my stomach that gave me huge yeast infections.My hubby and daughter helped me outside to sit as soon as i could,to help keep me happy.my wound just healed yup almost 3 years.I have flashbacks and smells of things I dont think I rembemer.cant sleep,pain,swelling.hair lost.but just keep trying to find something that helps
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  • Pete

    Jul 09, 2019 2:07 AM

    I thought I was going crazy. I got septic shock on January 1, 2018.That’s how I started my New Years. I had crazy dreams and nightmares, the pain was terrible, I to wanted to go back to the hospital. I also have brain fog all the time, but I’m happy to be alive. PT and OT i fought back to walk again. It’s been a struggle and still wish that I never got sepsis.
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  • Bill Beardslee

    Jun 05, 2019 5:59 PM

    What are effective drugs for the horrible pain of PSS.
    With all the anti-opioid concerns doctors are hesitant to order pain meds. Pain doctors want to do nerve blocks but for all over pain that doesn’t work.
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  • Kristeen D.

    Apr 12, 2019 4:26 PM

    It sounds like all I have just read is describing my situation exactly. I was released from the hospital on March 1, 2019 after suffering from a kidney infection and sepsis. Nothing was ever mentioned about what to expect at home. All I was told to do was rest. Well that is impossible when I can't sleep for more than 45 minutes. The debilitating body pain and brain fog are a nightmare to deal with. That just goes along with the actual awful nightmares I keep having. I am a fighter and will do what it takes to move past this, but I cannot find any sort of support group or help from any of my doctors. Everything I seem to find is not in the United States. I have so many questions and need some help dealing with this, but have been unsuccessful in finding any. Thankfully, I have great support through my family and friends.
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  • Nancy

    Apr 07, 2019 4:19 PM

    A year and a half out of post-perforation sepsis, I still didn’t understand what is going on with me. Such is the lack of understanding even here in the New York metro area. I didn’t understand the insomnia, the awful nightmares during the few minutes I do sleep, the complete lack of confidence in myself, the instability when trying to walk. Thank you for letting me know that it’s not just me!
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  • Susan

    Mar 14, 2019 11:50 AM

    I just don’t know my own body now. I had surgery for a perforated bowel, which part was taken away. I have episodes of sweating and felling I’m going to fall over. I can’t or don’t want to do things as I did before. I feel isolated and no one can understand.
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  • Joan Fenner

    Nov 28, 2018 10:42 PM

    I had septic shock from a perforated colon. Everything you shared happened to me. It’s been almost 3 years now. I also had hallucinations. My heart slowed to 15% . An alert ambulance driver took me to St. John’s and kept me alive. He had it diagnosed by the time I got to the hospital but it took a few days in icu before they found the cause. They told me I might not make it through the surgery and asked me if I wanted them to do it. Funny, I was unconscious but heard the question and nodded yes. Now there are days when I wonder it I made the right choice. I have chronic pain and feel isolated. Turning over in bed is a challenge. I can’t find a doctor familiar with post sepsis experience. So i trained the doctor by getting articles on line. I would love to find a group to share experiences with. I’d love to go to a doctor who understood.
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  • Ann Contreras

    Oct 13, 2018 8:59 PM

    Amy,
    I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for sharing your heartfelt and emotional journey.
    There is SO much to CKD that us 'Professionals' and Partners don't know until it's shared as clearly and concisely as you have written.
    Again, a heartfelt thank you.
    See you on FB!
    Ann
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  • Ali Wilson

    Sep 28, 2018 1:32 AM

    You just described me. I had Septic Shock five years ago. Discharge from the hospital was surreal. Not being able to walk, could only stand for a minute or two, couldn’t get up the stairs to my own bed.
    I would stop in my tracks and think, “I could die right here, right now”.
    Only therapy and medication has given way to some resemblance of a normal life.
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